I never wanted to be a warrior. I was perfectly happy being a normal human, oblivious to almost everything around me. But then I got sick. In the process of healing myself, I discovered a lot about different “alternative healing” modalities, and became acutely aware of the invisible energy all around us.

One of my teachers once told me that at some point, I was going to wake up — like in the movie The Matrix — and decide which pill I wanted to take. The red pill, to sleep forever and remain unaware of the veil separating consciousness from unconsciousness. Or the blue pill, which lifts the veil so I would be able to see the magnificent array of colors — and the darkest, most hidden color of them all. I was okay with taking the red pill.

In the course of my work, on some subconscious level, I must have taken the blue one — or maybe I made that choice long ago, before I was even born. I am not sure. I don’t know.

Once I started on the darker of the two paths, enlightenment came — but so did a load of responsibilities and full disclosure. Awareness, curses, entities, past lives — all came crashing into my life. Up until then, my life had been relatively stable and going well. Until it wasn’t.

As I explored the hidden world, I discovered gifts that I didn’t know I had. I discovered a very strong connection with crystals. I don’t know when, where, or why, but I found myself communicating with them as if I had been one of them in a prior life. They opened a world to me, and then other modalities came in — essential oils, singing bowls, muscle testing, remote healing, medical qigong — and the list goes on.

I find myself at a crossroads all the time. I don’t know why. I seem to be moving, but not. My life is a constant state of the unknown — as if I am waiting, waiting to exhale. I don’t feel it’s about finding the perfect job, the perfect place to live, or the perfect anything. It is as if the stars are guiding me in fluidity — to change, adjust, find new direction, stay flexible. I don’t feel grounded or at home, yet I don’t feel I want to stay either. Who do I want to be, and why? I don’t know, because I’m constantly changing and evolving. I’m waiting, standing still, as if the answer will drop right in and my life is going to make sense.

I’m guided to seek truth, yet I feel every truth is standing right in front of me and I don’t see it. I don’t see man’s truth. I see universal truth. And sometimes, bringing myself down to the human level is so difficult, because we as humans err so much.